Culture IV

Welcome back to Culture! An inconsistent accounting of the zeitgeist performed using my proprietary blend of eleven herbs and spices. I took the summer off just to get it right.

 

Music

Eminem tried to make a comeback last week. He surprise-released an album called Kamikaze, and while white men shouldn’t do anything sudden or surprising for about 500 years starting now, it’s actually good Art because listening to it is like what I imagine being attacked by a kamikaze would be like.

Ariana Grande is your new pop queen. Beyonce ceded this spot when she collaborated with Jay-Z and made that mediocre album about their Louvre. Ariana got groped by a pastor at Aretha Franklin’s memorial, which was 11 hours long. It’s a valuable lesson – if you want to avoid pastors groping people, get the people out of the church in under 10 hours!

Also, Pete Davidson, Ariana’s fiance and the subject of the song, “Pete Davidson” from her latest album, sweetener (it’s stellar, thanks for asking), has been making the press rounds just saying nice stuff about her and not talking about himself at all. ARE YOU HAPPY, CIS-HET WOMEN???

 

Movies

Blakkklansmen and Sorry to Bother You duke it out

I’ve seen both and, folks, this one is no contest.

Sorry to Bother You is original, timely, insightful, thrilling, disgusting, inspiring and, most importantly, entertaining. You should see it. I guarantee it will shock you. Not for children.

Blackkklansmen is sort of good, highly problematic, and ultimately, also thought-provoking, but you just have to overlook so much shoddy construction to get to the juice. Put simply, it’s a bad meal made from good ingredients. Bad meal like barbecue, not bad meal like corn byproducts mixed with concrete. Also, not for children.

Crazy Rich Asians continues to clean up at the box office. It represents the greatest threat so far to American cultural dominance over China, bringing us ever closer to the logical conclusion of the Trump presidency – all Americans, working in sweat shops, laboring to make clothes for Chinese people, to pay off the debt (“unemployement is the lowest ever, I think, I heard, in the history of our country…”

 

Sports

Some say it’s the dead season for sports since Football and Basketball and Hockey aren’t quite back yet, but BASEBALL, FOLKS. It’s what will save America. Mark my words.

the Boston Red Sox can’t lose and are your World Series favorites. There, I said it.

College football has been rocked by the Urban Meyer controversy (he knew an assistant coach abused his wife and did nothing), which only serves to show how far up its own ass college football’s head was. We’re talking about a billion dollar industry in which the workers are unpaid. Also – domestic violence is bad and should be a disqualifying factor in literally any decision!

 

Politics

Colin Kaepernick was unveiled as the face of Nike’s new Just Do It campaign. Turns out they were the ones bankrolling him the whole time. Time to figure out which bothers lefties more, police brutality or sweatshops.

The hearings to appoint Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court are underway, and so far, the festivities land somewhere between parody and chaos. Although President Trump promised to drain the swamp, self-professed gay frog Alex Jones is confronting Republican Senators.

The President has been tweeting

The Democrats are trying to act like they have balls or some kind of coalition (Narrator voice: “They don’t”)

The Republicans are holding on for dear life while knowing full well that shoes don’t just stop dropping (Narrator voice: “They don’t”)

hi i would like to order one heaping helping of swift and painless death, please?

(Monty Python voice: “FRESH OUT!”)

 

This has been Culture!

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