Week 15 Record: 2-3

With our main NFL writer off on vacation this week (London, I think?), I will step in and attempt to fill in with bold predictions for week 16. He wasn’t exactly killing it, so my benchmark is around .500. Anything above 2-3 will be a success.

Also, I’d like to note that I know very little about sports betting and only recently learned the basics of over/under. Let’s get started.

2018 Record: 40-58-1

2018 Record since switching to five picks per week: 28-38-1

2018 Record since Week 4: 28-31-1

Week 16 Picks

Chiefs -2.5 at Seahawks

It takes no nuances to understand that Chiefs can take down Seahawks. Chiefs can arm themselves with a vast array of weapons (from swords to spears to bows) to defeat Seahawks pretty handedly. While Seahawks can theoretically fly pretty high and avoid getting hit, they have to fight each other (since they’re playing each other this week) and the advantage swings heavily in Chiefs favor. Plus, birds are pretty fragile, tbh.

Lions +5.5 vs Vikings

This matchup is a bit harder to predict. To make this duel as fair as possible, we will assume we have a battalion (tribe? brigade? squad?) of Vikings against a pride of Lions. Let’s also assume the ratio is 1:1. While Vikings are certainly portrayed as burly warriors (I’ve never met a Viking personally), Lions are nicknamed King of Beasts for a reason. What Vikings lack in pure speed is offset by their intellect and dexterity. Vikings come out on top but do not cover the spread, whatever that means in this context. Point is, it will be a close fight.

Rams -14 at Cardinals

Can Cardinals even fight? What tools do they have to defend themselves besides flying? Rams in a landslide.

Jaguars +4.5 vs Dolphins

Of all the matchups this week, we’ll need to get a bit creative with this one. Jaguars fight on land, Dolphins fight in water. So we can’t realistically pit them against each other. Instead, I’ll discuss their fight styles and advantages and will make a decision based on that.

Dolphins: extremely intelligent, pack hunters, able to take down an apex in a pack.

Jaguars: stealth fighters, nocturnal, apex predator.

Final pick: Jaguars, barely. Another close fight.

Steelers +6 at Saints

No idea what exactly a “Steeler” is. I looked it up online and found some not-so-clear definitions, like when people use the word I’m trying to learn in the definition itself. Based on my gut feeling, a Steeler is a person who works with steel, and this is the definition I’ll go with. Seems to make sense, right?

Having defined a Steeler, I can comfortably say that they win over the Saints. Saints make great teachers, but they’re (obviously) horrible fighters. Steelers are likely muscular men who aren’t afraid to get down and dirty when the going gets tough.